3 days later...

...the trick is learning how to be content in each given moment, without dwelling on the future OR the past...

grateful for the gift of joy which makes the above statement possible

chicken...

Today is best recaped in quotes:

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.


"What we got here is... failure to communicate."

Tums...

I moved into a new position at work.  I am now an associate pastor.  Crazy, huh?! It's all so surreal still.  I half expect to wake up one morning & realize it was all a dream... but it isn't a dream, it's my reality and while I couldn't be more thrilled, I also couldn't be more overwhelmed.  The fact that I have walked away from a job I knew I could do perfectly and into a job in which I feel I could so easily fail seems ever-present.  I find myself perpetually overwhelmed.  I'm talking about the kind of overwhelmed that causes one to keep a bottle of Tums in the desk drawer to sooth the seemingly never-ending nausea.  In the two years I spent dreaming of this opportunity, not once did nausea come into play.  Instead I always envisioned myself in a consistent state of "got-it-togetherness", which is something I have yet to experience.  I have never been more aware of my limitations, weaknesses, youth, and the list goes on... But the beauty that I have found in this season of change is even greater than those limitations.  My perpetual overwhelmed-ness makes me ever so aware of my utter & desperate need for God.  I absolutely CANNOT get through my day without him.  And, while I'd love the nausea to go away, right now I welcome it as a painfully beautiful reminder of my dependence on God.


So as I close the book on my first Sunday as a pastor I rest knowing...


Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains


On and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains


Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me


-One Thing Remains, Jesus Culture

ouch.

it's been one of those days.  you know the kind, where one minor snafu at 8:15am is no big deal, the reprimand you received at 11:30am for missing something significant stings a bit and the secret you accidentally revealed about yourself at 2:00pm has you a bit paralyzed?  today it was my turn and the only thing getting me through is the reality that in just a few short hours today will be tomorrow and all of this will be in the past.  for that, i am grateful.

My Papa

In the spirit of my year of "freedom" I'm learning about yet another way freedom takes form. This one is proving to be the most painful yet...

My grandfather, my “Papa”, is rapidly approaching the waiting arms of the Lord.  He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago, which, to me, was both a curse & a blessing.  You see, my “Nana”, passed away nearly 6 years ago.  Her passing was sudden & unexpected.  That morning she had mailed out all of her Christmas presents as that was the first year she was spending away from her children & grandchildren.  She had called a week earlier & left a voicemail inquiring as to my favorite color of the moment (it was constantly changing). When I didn’t call her back right away she called again, reminding me in her ever so feisty gentle way that “when your nana calls you, you call her back, right away”.  Well, I never did get to tell her what my favorite color was in December of 2005.  I was left with such regret.  Don’t get me wrong, I know she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt how deeply I loved her, but I wish I could have said it just one more time.  So, Papa’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis though devastating gave me a chance to make sure each interaction with him was treated like the precious gift I knew it was.   So, I took every opportunity I could to simply sit with him, on the porch in WA, around the dinner table in CA and even on the phone when he was well enough to think quickly.  Watching him slowly fade away, the little lost words here & there, the stories that he pretended to remember but we knew he didn’t, and the confused look on his face when he was trying to remember my name was simply heartbreaking but worth the sting those moments produced.  I may have only known him for 28 of his 81 years here but I do know my Papa was a brilliant & self-made man. He worked hard for everything he had.  When his first child was born he was a ditch-digger but by the time he retired he was the VP of Quality Control for the Space Program at McDonnell Douglas.  Every time a rocket when into space as a child I knew my Papa was partly responsible for making it happen. He is father of 7, grandfather of 12.  He started everyday with a bowl of fiber cereal, half a grapefruit, 50 sit-ups & 30 minutes on the stationary bicycle.  He wouldn’t drive me to school in the morning until I learned the street names & could direct him because he wanted me to always know where I was and where I was going. He wasn’t perfect, but he was my Papa.

And, once more he is teaching me a lesson.  He is teaching me what freedom from the pain & exhaustion of this earthly life looks like.  He will soon be free, free to stand strong again, free from the mental fog, free to be with my Nana again.

I love you dearly Papa.  I can’t wait to see you again one day.

If You Want Me To...

It's true what they say.  It is easy to get lost in a haze of pain.  To let the fog roll in so thick you can't see past your own nose.  Can't see the pain in others, can't hear wisdom or truth, can't allow space for clarity or joy.  I've spent the last two months trying to navigate through this fog; desperately searching for some sort of fog-lamp to illuminate the road map in my hands only to realize the path out was riddled with hard work & refining.  The pit stops I had to make were those stops you don't want to make, the kind you go into kicking & screaming & dragging your feet about.  But, with each new stop the the screaming dulled to a moan the kicking stopped & the dragging turned into a steady walk.  I've made it out of the fog into a field of redemption and restoration so beautiful and so full of God's grace.  


Through this season I am beginning to understand just how beautiful yet deeply painful it is to be refined by fire [literally & figuratively].  


This Ginny Owen's song has a whole new meaning to me...


The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to 

inspiration

to the truly, deeply beautiful women in my life...

thank you for your fervent prayers, the truth you've spoken, the encouragement you've given and the joy you brought to me in the form of these beautiful orchids.

thank you for leading by example, for choosing to do what is right and then standing firm in the face of opposition and ridicule.  you have such courage and poise.

thank you for calling me out, for calling me one of your "people".  your willingness to share your story, no matter how raw is such a testament to me of how deeply you desire to let God use your life for His glory.

thank you for believing in yourself enough to push through the fear and lies you've been told through the years.  you have set a new tone for the women who are following in your footsteps.

this song reminds me of each one of you. you are beautiful.